Our destination? The California Hotel and Casino, lovingly known as The Cal.

There was a video poker tournament there that we'd wangled our way into with help from our host. The only problem was that the first day of competition had been the day before we arrived. We got our room assigned, got our bags stored, got our Aloha meal books, and headed to the tournament area upstairs. Fortunately, they could accommodate us doing both rounds in one day because many people didn’t show for the second round.

We played our first round and it went absolutely horribly. You play 1500 credits in 20 minutes and neither of us got a single four of a kind.

I'd left my player’s club cards in my luggage, and inaccessible. We went to the slot club. While in line I spied an elderly man doing some form of pelvic yoga with tantric meditative outbursts of peace. He repeated these motions over and over. It was quite odd, and he seemed unaffected by his surroundings.

At the slot club, an ugly argument broke out between the Queen Quad and me. "How many cards do you need?" asked the boothling. "Just one," I said, just as the Quad Queen said "Two." "Two cards?" "One is fine," I said, "Two cards". And I want two cards," said the Quad Multiplicus."How many then? Two cards?" "Two for her and one for me," I countered. "Three cards then?" asked the poor, befuddled, boothling. "Fine, two for each," I said. She made us three cards each, just to get rid of us, and sent us on our way.

We grabbed some drinks, and played some video poker while awaiting the next tournament round.

Meanwhile, back at the tournament, we got ready for round two. I gave some thought to what I would do if I hit a Royal Flush. How long would it take me to get a picture of it? Could I make up the lost time? I actually tried it out and it didn't take long at all.

The round started and I wasn't getting anywhere. I had three Aces dealt three times, and three-to-a-something dealt seven more times, but didn't get any quads at all.With approximately two minutes and fifty nine seconds to go, I held three high spades and what do you know?

I'd been in Vegas less than three hours and I'd hit my first Royal Flush already! Considering I went 12 or 13 days last trip and didn't get any at all, it was really nice to get the monkey off my back. I was once again, for realsies, Royal Flusher by name and by deed.

I finished the round off and... I missed playing one hand. I ran out of time due to the picture, due to people around me distracting me, and due to the huge surge of adrenalin I'd gotten when I realized I had a chance to win some decent dough in the tournament if I could just pull off a couple more quads.

Sadly, I did not.

A quick look at the board told me that I should probably place in the top ten. My first score was about in the middle of the pack of 280 entrants. I figured there were three or four other royals hit in the tournament, maybe five. All I really wanted was to not be 11th. That would drop me down to just $100 in winnings. I did NOT want a $100 Royal Flush.

We went up to the room to confirm our bags were there, made sure the room was fine (it was), and loaded up on more slot cards, I guess.(I now had 19 copies of my slot card.)

"You going to take the new camera for a spin?" asked the Kodak Queen."Um.... maybe later. I don't want to get all bogged down."

We played some more, and enjoyed the fine beverage service that the Cal provides to its valued patrons.

There was an awards banquet at the Main Street Station Garden Court Buffet at 4:00pm, so we needed a light lunch, which the Cal coffee shop provided in the form of a Salad Bar. The exciting news is that the old cheap-looking plastic tubs holding the somewhat dodgy pre-packaged salad in the salad bar have been replaced with new cheap-looking shiny silver metal tubs holding the somewhat dodgy pre-packaged salad.

You can't stop progress!

We also tested the fine beverage service that Main Street Station also provides to its valued patrons.

And with that, it was time for the awards buffet. We lined up to get in, and I was feeling antsy. Where had I placed? I settled mentally on eighth or ninth. As we worked our way up to the podium, I could see that they'd placed printed lists of the winners on the tables. "I can't stand it," I said, "I have to go look." I skipped the line, rushed up to a table and snatched up the sheet. It listed all the places except for the top five. I started looking at place number six. Not me. Places, seven, eight and nine... oh no. I'm not there either. In fact I wasn't anywhere in the top six through twentieth places.

"How'd you do?" asked the Queenus Quadus. "I... I think I made top five. I'm not on the list!" That called for a round of 'Holy Shit!'s. Fifth place was $1000. It looked like I had won at least that.

We got our food and settled in at a table with an elderly gent and his daughter, both Hawaiian, but she was now local. Add to that the fact that they'd lived in Alaska at one point, and you had an interesting story. They were excited to hear I was top five and were cheering for me to win.

I chewed through my buffet food, trying to enjoy it because I was on pins and needles a bit. Then the announcements came.

"Thanks everyone for coming.... blah blah corporate agenda.... blah blah check the boxes for this speech.... blah blah thank everyone under the sun so no one has their nose out of joint... blah blah pretend I'm your friend...."

"Fifth place... James Fujikawa!"

The daughter turned to me. "You're not James Fujikawa, are you." "No, ma'am, I am not. I am Royal Fujikawa."

"Fourth place... Royal Flusher!"

Wow. Fourth place! I went and picked up my envelope to find that they'd withheld the 30% Canadian tax on my $1500. So I pocketed $1050. Still!

Back at the table, I received high fives, handshakes and sloppy loving kisses. I'll let you figure out who gave what but let me just say, Mrs. Flusher has one hell of a grip.
"See, Quad Queen, like I always said, sooner or later, we are going to win some money in one of these tournaments!" And we had. We had indeed.

Full of sup (from supper), we headed back for more video poker action. After all, the evening was stretching on, and it was very late - pushing 7:00pm.

This is rather pathetic, but it's the truth, and if you know anything about me by now, you know that I write what happens in Vegas as it happens, and make everything else up.

We went to bed.... at 7:00pm Vegas time on a Saturday night. In my defense... I'd stayed up till 1:00am the previous day. I'd slept two hours and gotten up at 3:00am. We'd been up all day. It was now 10:00pm Eastern time. Not to worry, this trip was going to be a long one. We were off to a great start, but our adventures were only just barely beginning.

*Self-important people use this asterisk thingy to call out what they think is vital information. In this case, the vital information is that I did not include the tax deducted in the won amount. I don't know at this point if I will be able to claim it back - it depends on how I do for the whole year. Time will tell.

However... I went back to sleep. Until about 4:43 in the blessed am. We got up, ready to hit the casino, ready to see my favorite server Judy and her lovely dishwater coffee.

"Are you going to take your new camera?" asked the Quad Queen. I snapped and shot back at her, "NO." Jimmy Poon feels that my photography, particularly for the burgeoning 'foodie' segment of the readership, is lacking. "Royal," he said a couple days before my trip, "your photography is lacking." "Uh huh." "That's why I got you this!"

Jimmy Poon pushed a paper bag across the lunch room table. Here we go again, I thought. "What's in the bag, Jimmy Poon?" "Open it." And open it, I did. And inside was a marvel of technology, one of the most advanced in the semi-pro serious amateur super-pocket sub-DLSR market... a brand new, knock-off photographic instrument. It fit in my hand, sort of, weighing about half a pound, and was festooned with knobs, dials, buttons, switches, markings, indicators, lights and so on. "Jimmy... wow!" I said.

"It's a Cameron Powershod G16. I got it from the Koreans. It fell off truck, if you know what I mean."

You may recall that the crafty Koreans along with the pesky Belgians had purchased Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer fairly recently. One upside was the Korean access to cheap electronics from the Pacific Rim. And, of course, the Belgians' access to waffles with oversized holes in them.

"Canon makes an excellent camera, Jimmy Poon! Thanks!" "Not Canon. Cameron. You think I'm made of money? The blog moneytization has not gone all that well, Royal, we have limited funds, and you need to step up your game. So take this Cameron and get out there and take some decent pictures."

Unfortunately, the new Cameron completely baffled me. I tested it out in the bathroom and got a shot of the wastebasket, and 28 pictures of my left ear. Obviously, I would have to read the manual on my niPad. But today was not that day.

Down in the casino I got my order of dishwater coffee and we set out to do some video poker playing Flusher-style, following the Strict Rules of Parlay.

I found myself down $250 by breakfast, and the Queen Queen down $200.

The good old Market Street Cafe is so quick and easy for breakfast or lunch, that it is our go-to swifty meal place at the Cal. They make a pretty good omelette, I must say. On the other hand, it's hard to f**k up eggs.

The waitress approached... ...her eyes narrowed.... ...I met her gaze... ...and I ordered.

I really wanted to order a Fall off a Texas Halfton, hold the snort, with dirt bread shredded and wheat toast, but I thought that maybe I had better take it easy on the short orders this trip, considering how last trip had ended up.

Breakfast was hot, quick, fresh, and yummy. We went on walkabout to try the spinners at the Fremont, and to get some supplies at Walgreen's, like the Aveeno shaving gel I favor. Why pack it when you can buy it there? Somewhere along the way we seem to have picked up a bottle of Jameson's Irish Whiskey too.

At the Fremont, where I've had so much luck, those damn spinners proved my undoing. I lost about $400 on them, and the Queen lost about $250. None of our multipliers yielded any big hands and it was a bust when the tally was tallied.

We had a meet-up scheduled with a VMBer, a mystery friend who tends to bring me good luck. Her trip was just ending and ours was just beginning, but there was a period of interphase where Captain Kirk was just visible in his fake spacesuit, silently mouthing lines from future Priceline commercials, and during which lunch together could be had at DuPars.

Sadly, DuPars had a DuLineup so we got the DuF**k out of there and headed back where the comps where... bring your meal books back to the Cal!

It got a bit weird when Mystery Luck Girl and I ordered the same thing. Yet when it arrived it looked like this.

Behold, Mahi Mahi number one, and Mahi Mahi number two. It was kind of weird. We talked it over for a while and determined who should receive which Mahi Mahi.

I got the Mahi Mahi with the fries, but secretly wanted the Mahi Mahi with the vegetables, which Mystery Luck Girl had said she wanted. But I later confirmed that Mystery Luck Girl was being polite and thought I wanted the fries, while I was being polite and wanted the vegetables. So she actually wanted the fries and got the vegetables and I actually wanted the vegetables and got the fries.

F**k politeness!

We checked with the waitress and finally the Mahi Mahi conundrum was solved... I'd ordered the Mahi Mahi. She'd ordered the Mahi Mahi sandwich, which is what I thought I was ordering - not knowing there were duplicitous Mahi Mahi dishes on the Mahi-menu.

Sadly, Mystery Luck Girl had to get on a bus back to her well-appointed suite at the Cosmo to pack, and then, head to the airport. We ditched, said goodbye and fond farewells outside Binions, and headed back to the room, stopping on the way to get ten 40-cent keno tickets, and some mix for the Jameson's.

Because degenerate. Because losing.

Out of my five $10 Keno tickets (40 cents a game for the big spender), I won four dollars. This rate of return is similar to the returns I've gotten in the Royal Canadian Veeblefetzer employee stock plan.

The Keno Queen, on the other hand, harvested a handsome $28 return on her $50 keno investment. I gave her my four bucks and told her to shut up and deal. She'd out keno'd me again, but I didn't have to have salt rubbed into the wound with her stellar 56% return rate.

Downstairs at the Cal we noticed some big changes - the cage was empty and was being walled off, actually. And the goofy Polly Parrot in Long John Silver costume had walked the plank at the Pasta Pirate restaurant, which was closed.

The plan (I later ascertained) is to open an Asian-themed noodle shop, something fairly high end. I'm not sure how high end a noodle can get, but there you are. They had also opened a satellite cage down by the craps tables and moved the main cage to a broom closet upstairs.

I wasn't enjoying losing, but the Quad Queen insisted that we needed to keep at it, play more dollars, get through the troughs. We tried some dollar Bonus Poker but that didn't work well for me. QQ's lasted a bit longer though.

I decided to give Boner Deluxe some play. I love this game because every quad pays 400 credits - no kickers, no f**king around, no worrying about getting Aces versus eights or something. Get a quad, get 400 bucks.

I talked up a great game about how you could easily get three quads in five minutes or how you could easily get on a quad run, and if the quads were hitting it didn't matter if it was short pay (which it was, 8/6 instead of 9/6, but I'm not going to go running to the Fremont every time I have a Boner Deluxe whim, and I didn't plan to play it for long...). I played a bit and the machine seemed cold, dropping me down to $25. But then it started to get lots of dingers, lots of winning hands, full houses, and so on; and next thing I knew, I was up to $200. It dropped down a bit and then I nailed a quad for $400. II'm on my way, baby!" I said. I'll let the pictures tell the tale.

Oh hell yeah!!!!!!!!! Now we are talking some serious dough!!! The play was exhilarating. It was all about riding the wave, trying to get the next quad without blowing out too much profit, making sure you didn't play it all back, wondering whether to switch to $2, wondering whether to dance with the dollar bitch that you brought to the Boner dance. I felt confident that I'd maxed the run out. The whole thing took only about 15 minutes.

Frighteningly, I'd done more winning in that fifteen minutes then I'd done in my entire previous 12 day trip. I was starting to feel like I was shaking off the bad vibe and bad luck of that horrendous outing. Hell, I thought I might even try out the Cameron Powershod G16, I was so full of confidence.

The QQ had lost a few hundred but it was okay, considering the big score I'd taken down. I took some money up to the safe, not wanting to risk a wallet fumble, or a budget blowback.

We tried some dollar jacks in the alcove and I couldn't get it going, but the Queen parlayed a $5 bill into about half an hour's play.

Meanwhile, I lost a couple of hundred. Maybe three hundred. Time for a change of venue - over to Main Street Station for some triple play.

We both parlayed up to 5 play (you can adapt the Strict Rules of Parlay to multiplay, starting at 3-play, then moving to 5-play and then 10-play, which is a gas.)

The Multi-Queen worked up to 10-play and was gunning for a dealt quad on it. It was something she really wanted to achieve. She played on, getting as high as 2000 credits and raking in the scratch cards, but ended up cashing out at 800 when the machine took a powder. Stupid machine! There was definitely unfinished business there.
And sadly, I'd lost my shirt at it. Like hundreds.

We had the buffet for dinner and I amused my bouche by making some little Flusher tacos, and enjoying some pizza that had come fresh right out of the oven. But what picture is there??? That cucumber Namasa salad that I love.

The day was winding down and we'd had a great time revisiting our favorite machines and places, seeing familiar faces (mostly cocktail servers), and getting scratch cards. What hadn't we done yet?

"Dollar Treasure Chest at the Cal!" we both cried in unison.

"I really, really want to get a royal on one of these old vintage machines, before they are gone." I wasn't just being poetic, they don't make the coin hopper parts for these babies anymore.

I went off to break a hundy (you do NOT want to put a $100 bill into a Treasure Chest coin-dropper, believe me.) When I got back, the Quad Queen had that look... and sure enough, she had four to a Royal on her screen. She'd waited for me to bring back my Flusher-power. All I can say is, the eight of clubs can suck it. No royal.

Meanwhile, starting with a $20 bill, I saddled up the machine at the bottom of the escalator. And... I lost it. So, I put in... another $20 bill! And I played on that for a bit. And then I was dealt three to a Royal. The Quad Queen happened to look on when I hit deal and those two other beautiful spades showed up to give me my second Royal Flush of the trip, this time for $4000.

Now, when I say $4000, I really mean $2800 because they chop that annoying 30% off for tax. I figure I'll get it back based on the big losses on two trips this year though. Still, I won't count it in the tallies.

Man, what a trip it was already! I'd now shattered the bad luck hangover from the summer and nailed my third ever dollar Royal. (You may recall that I'd had an 18-year dollar Royal drought, breaking it earlier this year at the Smug Nugget.) It took about 40 minutes to get paid, but I tipped $20 anyway, not wanting to screw with karma.

It had been a really, really fun day. The Quad Queen had managed an amazing $15,000 in coin-in, and I was at about $10K. Our Deal/Draw fingers sore but satisfied, we turned in, but not before the obligatory money shot.

What was amazing to me was that I had apparently lost enough to cover all the Boner Deluxe winnings - my day's win was exactly the amount I took out of the Royal. And in spite of all the quads, the Queen was down over $1000. I guess that's what $15K in coin in will do to you. And, that's gambling!

Royal Flusher: Day +$2800 Trip +3650
Quad Queen: Day -$1040 (WHAT?!) Trip -700
Combined Trip: +$2950

By the way, someone asked why the Quad Queen's pics are at an angle - it's because I just lean over to take them, and also, so I can tell they aren't mine later on. Now you know! (Also, I'm lazy.)