HOW TO "WIN" AT GAMBLING-Part 1
by Frank Kneeland
Frank Kneeland was the manager of the largest progressive video poker team in Las Vegas, and has authored a book about his adventures entitled, "The Secret World of Video Poker Progressives". You can get the book as well as some extra info about Kneeland on his websitewww.progressivevp.com. Also, there you'll find a show archive from his radio show on pro-gambling that he co-hosted with Bob Dancer for six months.
The trick to being a successful proselytizing epistemologist, is to recruit "prosels" without "episting" people off. It's tricky! People really love their illusions. ~FK
You are probably wondering if the quotes around "win" in the title of this article are just for show. No they are not! Nothing is this article is intended to be taken too seriously, except for the part where I said not to take anything too seriously. This isn't about how to make money gambling, it's about how to claim that you're winning even when you are not.
I think we should get the dictionary definition of "winning" out of the way quickly, so by article's end, the memory will have soundly faded and you can more easily ignore it.
Well, that simply won't do. Try as I might, (and believe me, I looked) I could not find a single reference to time limits or a statute of limitations on previous losses associated with the word 'winning' in the dictionary. Apparently, in order to truly claim a win in gambling, one must actually be ahead for their lifetime of play. That's hard, so I recommend as a first step we discard the dictionary (who are they to tell us what words mean anyway?), and immediately adopt a less difficult and more enjoyable definition.
The Redefinition of "Winning"
One need look no further than the convenient friendly little window on slot machines that tells us how much we have "won" on every wager to get our more palatable definition. Five hundred slot machines surveyed, 100 coins in, 35 coins out, equals a 35-coin "win". Surly we can trust this. What possible motive could a machine have to deceive us? Machines can't even think.
"win" & "winning" (non-dictionary definition)
Ah...that's much better! What a difference some quotes can make. Unfortunately, for some, this definition may be difficult to pull off, if one foolishly does stupid things like keeping records or counting one's money. Let's set a few guidelines to help protect our "wins":
Tripping the Trip
For would be "win" seekers with trip budgets and annoying bank statements, the no-records, no worries, approach might prove troublesome. For these sad less fortunate’s with huge detractors like spouses, lives, or a good memory, a different approach must be adopted. One must increase one's chances to "win." Though it is theoretically possible to increase one's chance of winning, we won't be trying to do that here, that's hard. It's much easier to simply increase the number of chances to "win" by taking more trips. The beauty of this technique is that does not require playing more, it merely requires making your trips shorter.
Think about it, one-week long trip would only provide one chance to "win," whereas seven one-day trips would provide seven whole chances. One could even leave after their first "winning" trip during the week and then go home a "true winner" as long as one remembers to use air quotes when telling their story. In order to trip the mental trip-end and trip-beginning markers in our heads certain things have to happen. I informally surveyed thirty recreational gamblers and though they agreed on little, two points stood out.
To get the "truth," I asked these gamblers if a player, who was here for a week’s vacation, could count their Monday play and Friday action on separate trips if they refrained from gambling from Tuesday through Thursday. The answer I got was emphatically "no," because they did not "leave the casino." I asked if checking out, driving around the block, and checking back in would count, and again got an unequivocal, "no," because they did not return home and sleep in their own beds between leaving and returning. Playing on Monday, returning home to sleep Monday night and returning to play first thing in the morning Tuesday, was indeed considered to be a new trip. The conclusion is clear.
Now that we know these are the indispensable points, we can deliberately trip a new trip as often as we wish. Of course, you'll need a box of dirt if you want to avoid a lot of extra travel time to and from home. As every horror buff knows, vampires are forever tied to their place of origin, and have to sleep over soil from their homes. Why should the undead have a monopoly on this loophole? Just put a box of dirt from your house under your casino bed and you can declare every journey to your room for sleep to be 'returning home', and the end of your trip. Don't forget to walk outside for a second or two so you can say you left the casino (ahh... better give it a minute and walk around the block just to be safe). Bet you didn't expect to learn that little gem today.
It's All About the Story
Let's face facts, no one really cares what our real results were during a casino visit, and no one (including ourselves) really wants to know how much they are behind for their lives gambling. It's all about the story. Oh...oh...check it out; there is actually a lot we can do to influence our gambling-generated story potential that I bet you hadn't considered. Here's but one example: Even though 40,000 hands of video poker played on one machine is functionally identical to one hand played on each of 40,000 machines, if you get a royal flush during your play using the latter method, you'll be able to honestly and without confabulation tell your story of the time you hit a royal on your first hand on that machine. Given the number of multi-game machines in Vegas these days, I calculate it will take you, on average, 20 days of continuous one-hand-per-machine play to score a royal on your first hand and usher in your 15 minutes of fame.
Many such story-rich gambling methods are possible as long as you don't think about it too hard and don't take yourself or me too seriously. I had more great "tips" for "winning" but we've run out of time.
Next Month:"Catching The Tabula Rasa Fairy," you wouldn't guess from the title, a not so silly look at self-deceptions common to casino goers.
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